Today I am grateful.

I am grateful that I’m feeling better (even if not 100%)

I am grateful the job I wanted called me back for an interview

I am grateful for the photography opportunities that have just seemed to come out of nowhere (and people want to pay me!!)

I am grateful.

I’m going to do this on this blog every single day around 5pm. I really think this will help.

I don’t feel “happy” yet but good lord have things improved. I’m just going to list all the wonderful things that have happened/are happening because I don’t want to make this too long a post, here goes:

– I am continuing to be successful in going to work, even on down days, and am getting more and more hours as I want (and feel like I can handle) them. Work knows that I have some sort of depression and am taking all kinds of meds that can make me sick from time to time and seems to understand me needing to take a day off now and then.

– I was able to sell my car!!! And my parents decided to help me lease a brand new Subaru (I put all the money down and am paying monthly, I’m essentially just using their income/credit score to get me a lower monthly payment as I wasn’t approved to do it on my own). I now have a car that can handle the snow and ice! I’ll be able to get to work in the winter AND home to see my family!

– My therapist finally talked me into going to a consumer credit place and they’ve agreed to work with me to get my debt paid off. They were able to talk to my creditors and get the interest rates WAY down and I only have to pay a percentage of my debt AND I only have one non stressful low payment a month and I’ll get this paid off in a few years with no worries. They also told me that they would be more than happy to show me how to improve my credit after this and have worked with many mentally ill individuals in the past. The lady I was dealing with has a daughter who is bipolar and we had a real heart to heart about my parents non-acceptance of my illness. I even got a non-awkward hug (I’m usually very awkward about hugs) out of the deal!

Everything that has happened in the past month led to crazy great things! I actually have a savings account (it’s small, but it’s a start)!! I no longer have to worry about buying food as I can now afford to make healthy meals for myself. I don’t have to watch my credit card debt build and build I now get to sleep soundly knowing that it is going to be paid off and I don’t have to worry anymore.

This last year has been so rough but I actually feel like I’m making some big leaps and bounds to a better future and a better now.

I am SO grateful that I have people in my life that helped me accomplish these great things and directly and indirectly helping me towards a stable and normal life!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

S

It’s fall; my favorite season. I love 70 degree weather, the leaves changing colors, wearing boots/scarves. But the dark mornings and evenings make me very sad. I’ve been struggling lately with waking up in the morning and getting myself together. Any sort of stress arises and I snap, I’m immediately dropped to my lowest point and in my least rational state.

I literally had a conversation with my boyfriend where my main goal became getting him to hate because then I would be free to end my life when I want to. The things I was saying don’t feel real to me now, like, why would I ever say that? It’s horrid.

I think a huge part of my depression and stress right now is my debt. It’s been causing a ton of problems with my trying to get a reliable car. But I go to a credit counseling place tomorrow and they’re going to hopefully help me out of this debt and get this huge weight off my shoulders. I’m crossing my fingers and toes that there is something anything to help me so I can stop drowning.

I’m listening to a song right now and literally stopped typing and started crying. “If I lose myself tonight, it’ll be by your side.” This perfectly describes my relationship with my boyfriend. Each time I’m “lost” in my episodes he remains by my side, ready to do whatever I ask and listening to my rants/cries without judgement. I love him beyond words. He’s the one thing that has remained constant in my ever changing life and I am so freaking grateful that he exists.

That’s all.

S

I haven’t been able to get out of bed for two days. Part of that was due to my reaction to an increase in lamictal. But now I’m supposed to be feeling better and I feel heavy as a rock with about the same processing speed as one. I have no desire to do anything. Literally nothing. It’s all I can do to put on music so I don’t go too far into my own thoughts.

I’m supposed to feel better. I was feeling better. I was doing so well. I have no fucking clue what happened. But here I am in a low that rivals my lowest low. My chest is heavy and it’s difficult to breathe. I have no desire to eat. I have no desire to cook decent food for myself. I have no desire to shower. I have no desire to go to work. I have no desire to play my favorite video game. I have no desire to read. I hate this. This isn’t fair.

I can’t tell anyone that I’m depressed, god forbid I tell them I’m bipolar, so I tell my work I have the flu since this is probably close to how I’m feeling. I have really started to wonder why I keep pushing forward? I’m starting to realize what kind of person I really am underneath all this and I don’t like her. I’m self centered and not all that intelligent. I lack the ability to learn and remember. I don’t know, or care to learn, how to make conversation and make friends. As for friends I don’t even want them. They take too much effort. I have nothing to offer them. I flake on plans and things I’ve told people I’ll do and just can’t seem to care enough about the people that have stuck around.

I don’t like who I am. Depression is making it near impossible to even figure out how to change. I’m hardwired to be a nasty loner it seems and that makes me feel very very hopeless.

S

I called in sick to work today and it’s difficult for me not to go to the “I’m a horrible person” space. I’ve been feeling down lately and it’s difficult for me to get motivated and peppy enough to go to work. My boyfriend has been around 24/7 and today he’s going to be in school for a few hours so I saw this as the perfect opportunity to be by myself. I have a lot of things I really should take care of today and I’m really going to try to force myself to do at least the most important things. Like calling about the interest on my credit cards. My therapist keeps telling me that I should call and explain my condition and ask to no longer be charged interest on my cards. But I’m not sure how that even works. It terrifies me to get on the phone to begin with, I can’t imagine getting on to ask about something I’m not sure about.

Oh well, I guess it’s time to go back to bed and continue to think about how horrible I am.

S

Working is so bitter sweet for me. On one hand I go in, make money, and push myself to do things that I would never do outside of work (calling customer service, making credit accounts, going to the DMV, going into phone stores to trouble shoot items) but on the other outside of work I feel stressed and zombie like. All I think about is the next time I’ll be working and how many hours/days/minutes there are until then. I’m almost two months into this job and I’ve stopped meditating, taking note of moods/medications, and journaling. I’ve been able to push through days when I’ve felt really depressed so I’m proud of that. But I feel like I’m losing all that I’ve gained in terms of documenting and controlling my illness.

I think it was a couple weeks ago that I saw my psychiatrist and was put on an antidepressant. And it perked me up a little in the beginning. But now I feel like I’m in a fog. I’m not motivated to do ANYTHING. It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to socialize and have conversations with people (even my family). I wake up after nightmares with headaches and nausea. My sister brought up something the other day about antidepressant being some quick fix for happiness. And thinking about that now if I had any energy I’d laugh. Antidepressants for a bipolar individual do not mean happiness. I dislike antidepressants. The only reason I’m giving these a chance is because I’m terrified of what being off of them during this depression would be like. She also told me she thinks I’m “strong enough” to do without all my meds. I don’t think she realizes that at this point my meds are the ONLY reason I’m still breathing. Without my daily dose of hope I would have nothing to hold on to. I’d be spiraling and searching for something, anything to make it stop. I just wish I could show her somehow what it’s like for me without my meds aiding in controlling my bipolar symptoms. I wish I could put her in my head and let her watch my thoughts and feel the impulses so she could know how painful depression is and just how stressful highs are.

There’s not really a point to this post. Just sometimes it feels good to rant a little bit as I’ve been trying to bitch at my boyfriend less.

Little victories. That’s what I keep telling myself. 

* I was able to make payments on all credit cards, buy groceries for my boyfriend and I, eat out three times, fill up my car twice, and still have $20 to spare. This is the most secure I’ve felt financially in a very long while. 

But negativity is quick to get the better of me. I start to think about these minimum payments and that the interest charges will practically render them obsolete by next month. 

I feel exhausted and unmotivated. I don’t feel like meditating but I forced myself this morning and while I feel calm I also feel down. 

And halfway through writing this post I realized that I am starting into a depression. I’ve been denying it and sitting here really looking at my thoughts I can see it clearly happening. I put a call in to my psychiatrist and I’m hoping that upping my baby dose of antidepressants will help me improve quickly as I don’t want to feel like this for my birthday.

I hope you all had a wonderful labor day weekend.

S

Today ends my third week at my new job! I was going to post something long about how horrid a day yesterday was for me but I somehow exited out of that post while writing it and I think that was for the best. Instead I’ll write about good things I noticed this week. For example, my nervous nail picking habit has come to a halt! I actually have real, strong, even nails for the first time in I-don’t-know-how-many years! Or that, even though I couldn’t pay the full required amount of my credit card bill I was able to pay the overlimit amount fairly easily and am now able to use the $10 in my debit account to get gas on my way home to see my parents! I’m also SUPER proud of myself for going to work yesterday even though it was a very emotionally exhausting morning and I was in a very low state. But here I am today getting ready for work and I feel eons better because I know that I am stronger than the stupid emotional problems (basically the way I react is always the most extreme good/bad it could possibly be and that causes a lot of issues in day to day life) and I am able to work a stable job and make decent money and I can use this decent money to pay off my debt (I try not to think about how long that’s going to take but I’m hoping it won’t be that bad if I put my mind to it and force myself to not spend on other things). 

Making it through work has been a challenge but I’ve been able to alter my life in such a way that it is possible and I feel really, really great about that. I know this post may seem a little silly or like I’m patting myself on the back but I think it’s necessary to highlight the wonderful changes in my life.

Happy Thursday!

S

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this optimistic about my medicine but I feel like something is finally working. I’ve decided to make a list of all things that I’ve been noticing just so far. Here goes:

  • I’m no longer afraid to make or receive phone calls. I used to be terrified and put off making important calls until the absolute last minute or occasionally not at all. At work I’ve been able to call all sorts of customer service places and even pick up the phone and direct calls. 
  • I no longer feel guilty or scared to cross the street. I just do it. I used to walk very slowly when approaching and mentally freak out about just how many cars would have to stop, when I should push the button, and how many people were judging how I was walking or how I looked as I crossed. 
  • I no longer freak out about asking my boss questions or admitting to a mistake. I used to put off questions until I absolutely had to ask and then feel extremely stupid as I tried to explain. No longer!

Just these three things have made such a difference in my life and I’m so grateful that something is finally help me to overcome my fears socially while making me feel better in general. I’m so excited for the future with this medication included in my mix!

I hope you’re all having a stellar Sunday!

S

I am depressed. 

I forgot how dark and hopeless it feels in here. Like someone is smothering me with a blanket and no matter how much I squirm I can’t escape. 

I have no desire to do anything yet I have so many helpful things I could do for myself but I just don’t have the energy. 

I’ve stopped meditating as the things in my head are not something I care to examine or be alone with. My mother is disappointed in me for stopping, she just keeps telling me to do like I was doing and keep at it but she doesn’t understand the amount of energy it would take to even do that and the devastation I would feel when I opened my eyes and everything felt exactly the same. 

I also forgot just how much depression hurts. The aches and pains feel so real and overwhelming. I wake up nauseated with a bad headache yet nothing I take helps. Drinking coffee doesn’t give me energy any more and smoking pot doesn’t relax me and calm the nausea the way it used to.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she prescribed Zoloft because she thinks that adding this to Geodon, Lamictal and Klonopin will be enough to get me out of depression but not into manic territory. I read up about the medication and it says that I won’t see any real improvement for at least a few weeks of taking it, ugh. I just want something to pull just a smidge out of this so I can see the light again and know everything’s going to be okay and that everything I’m doing isn’t pointless.

I just feel so flat, emotionless, and negative. I’ve grown to hate my job and wonder why the hell I pushed myself to do this because I knew the stress would get to be too much. But I have to keep the job to keep my parents at ease and pay at least a small part of my bills. And this realization only makes me feel worse, like I’m trapped in addition to being smothered by these horrible feelings. 

And then the suicidal thoughts. God. They’re constant and overwhelming. Yet thinking about it feels good and I hate that. I know I shouldn’t do anything like that but the thought of swallowing a load of pills or driving into incoming traffic gives me the shivers, good ones and that’s horrifying. I still don’t know how to deal with these thoughts, because once I’m this deep there’s no escaping them and no one wants to talk to me or acknowledge that I’m thinking about it. Especially my family.

Depression is torture. I wouldn’t wish this on any being. 

I hope Wednesday is good for you all.

S